COLONEL NOAH

OTHER CHAPTERS

CHAPTER 10

The Colonel set out to get his morning paper as usual with Jasper eagerly trotting round and about, sniffing and exploring. The previous evening had been quite a success and decisions were no doubt being made. He was quietly confident of the outcome.

'I didn't know whether to expect you or not this morning, Colonel,' said Mrs. Woodford as he approached the counter.

'And why is that, Mrs Woodford?' he asked, smiling. 'I've been coming here every morning since Elspeth and I joined our little community.'

'That was before you became famous.'

'Famous?'

'Look at the headlines in the Daily Echo and you'll see what I mean.' She held the paper up for him to see.

There was a huge headline across the front page.

COLONEL NOAH STRAPPED FOR CASH

A full detailed report of the meeting was told in a very arch way which extremely annoyed him. There was his speech with bullet points quite clearly stated but set out in such a way as to make it sound like light-hearted fairy story. The members of the meeting were all there but given a slightly biased characterization.

'This is outrageous, that reporter will hear from me within the hour and his editor will certainly get a piece of my mind. I must deal with this at once.'

'Is it true then?' asked the curious shopkeeper. 'Is there going to be another flood? You see here that they are calling you Colonel Noah?'

'I suppose it is true in essence, but he has made it sound like a fantasy, whereas it is simply one man's idea of taking precautions.'

'It looks more than that to me, I hope it isn't going to cause a panic in the town. Traders are always the first to lose out on these occasions.'

'I'll go and read this through carefully and see what I've been up to, Mrs Woodford.'

The Colonel's little joke was fooling no one especially Mrs Woodford who could see how upset he was.

He made straight for his bench in the cemetery and read the article again slowly. He would like to have read it aloud to Elspeth but if anyone heard him they might suspect that the veiled hints in the paper were true.

As he reread the article he began to see with growing incredulity how it all looked from an outsider's point of view. It may seem a little far-fetched but surely so was walking on the moon and the internet, his boat wasn't half so mind-stretching as those.

The vicar suddenly appeared in front of him and smiled.

'You've stirred up quite a hornet's nest, eh, Colonel? Should have stuck to your prize marrows.'

'A man must do what a man must do, vicar.'

'Quite so, I think you'll find it has caused quite a stir in the town. Two complete strangers have already asked me if I knew where you lived. I think you should get off home before they find you. I'm sure Elspeth will understand you cutting short your visit today.'

'Thank you vicar, I'll be off. I'm going to spend some time on the phone to the editor of this scandal. This article makes me sound like a potty old man whereas my findings are based on scientific fact.'

'The original Noah had some difficulty in making his neighbours believe in him, Colonel. You know the story as well as I, the disbelievers were silenced very effectively.'

'You don't seem to think the idea so outrageous.'

'I can believe a hundred odd things before breakfast, you have to in my line of work, Colonel.'

'You must come round and see my Noah's Ark, vicar. I'm sure you'll be impressed. Could make a subject for your Sunday sermon.'

They set off at a brisk pace, the Colonel busily composing words of censure to send to the editor of the Daily Echo. This very serious affair was being turned into a farce which must be nipped in the bud.

As they turned the corner into the cul-de-sac he could see a gathering of people at the top end, extra cars and two large vans. They were all standing outside his house. He forged ahead looking neither left nor right and simply bolted for home. Saying 'Excuse me' very loudly and weaving his way through, he reached his front gate. Three or four video cameras were being held aloft and reporters of both sexes were waiting with microphones.

They all seemed to shout at once.

'Are you Colonel Noah?'

'Where is your ark?'

'Is it going to rain today?'

The noise was horrendous and he couldn't distinguish a word. Clutching his front gate he turned towards them and said, 'I believe Mr. Baldwin of the Daily Echo has all the relevant facts. He was at the meeting. Please do not tread on the grass verges or on the flower beds. We like to keep the Avenue tidy. Excuse me I have work to do.'

'Is it work on the ark?'

'We need pictures, who is financing this?'

'Is the government involved?'

The clamour of voices made the Colonel cringe and he bolted round the back way. Mrs Blount was waiting for him.

'Here's a right to do. They came ringing at the door bell just after you'd gone out, I told them you were out and to go away but they took no notice. How am I going to get home through that lot?'

'I'll think of something Mrs B. Is Darren at home? I'll pop through his hedge and see if we can get you out that way.'

After Mrs. Blount had left, with many breathless comments on the press and assurances that the Colonel could rely on her, he rang David to tell him of the latest developments.

'You don't suppose they will be from the National Press and Media do you David, I should hate all this nonsense to make a dent in your career. They have made me sound a real crack-pot in our local paper.'

'Don't worry about it Dad, my career can take a bit of denting. Take the afternoon off, read a book or something but stay indoors until they get tired.'

The Colonel did as he was told, selecting a travel book which he had meant to read for some time. This did not hold his interest as he was forever trying to peep outside. At one point he saw someone at the bottom fence down the back and immediately rang Farmer Denver. Within minutes there was a scuffling and barking as the trespasser was hustled unceremoniously away.

They were still at the front at tea-time and the front door bell rang incessantly but he ignored it, all inwardly fuming and wishing them far away.

Daphne Teesdale was contemplating murder. She desperately needed to get rid of Monica before she was driven insane.

Since the meeting next door Monica had become obsessed. Daphne had answered the same questions dozens of times.

Yes, it was kind of the Colonel to ask them, no, it wasn't going to rain for forty days, no, Jasper would not need a special doggy life-belt, yes, she was thinking it over carefully.

Truthfully Daphne didn't know what to do except, initially, to get rid of Monica, if only for a little while to give herself some space. She lay awake at night plotting. Surely there were places where she could be sent for a holiday? Perhaps an annual event? Planning was one of her fortes. Hadn't she managed to run a large school for years? She was sure it could be done given time and a clear picture of all the possibilities.

'There's someone at the door Daphne, shall I answer it?'

'No, I'll go, it may be a reporter.' They had called previously and she had ignored it, but now she was just in the right frame of mind to deal with them. She opened the door a few inches.

'Good afternoon, Miss Teesdale. Are you a friend of the Colonel's?' a smiling young man asked.

'Please leave my premises at once, I have no wish to speak to reporters.' Daphne tried to close the door but found a foot had been inserted. She reopened the door.

'If you don't remove your foot from my door and your person from my property immediately I will call the police. I think someone should have done so before now.'

'I think you'll find that we are not trespassing and there is nothing you can do,' he replied with a grin.

'Out,' said Miss Teesdale.

'But.'

'Now,' said Miss Teesdale quivering with wrath and indignation.

He backed off reluctantly knowing a blank wall when he saw one. Daphne went straight to the phone and rang the police. Her conversation was short, terse and ended with the word 'immediately'.

The police arrived eventually and the reporters removed to their vehicles but Daphne could still feel them lurking about. She wondered how the Colonel was faring.

The next morning showed that the vans hadn't gone and Monica watched with great excitement. Giving minute by minute accounts of any movements.

A Royal mail van drew up outside next door and was duly photographed. The postman carried several large sacks to the door and rang the bell. A face appeared at the window and then the door opened sufficiently wide to allow the sacks through.

'I wonder what's in those sacks, Daphne. The Colonel's not coming out today with Jasper. Shall I go and ask if I can take him for a walk?'

'No, Monica. The Colonel is being very sensible and staying indoors until all this fuss has died down.' She had seen the local news last night and thought that he must be feeling really isolated. 'Let's have our breakfast.'

They had not long finished their meal when a loud knocking was heard at the kitchen door.

'There's someone at the back door now, shall I see who it is?' asked Monica.

'No, I'll go. They'll wish they hadn't bothered when I've finished with them.'

She marched to the back door and opened it with a flourish ready to repel any intruders. The Colonel almost fell at her feet.

'Goodness me, Colonel Frazer-Lambert what are you doing?'

'May I come in Miss Teesdale? It's rather important.'

'Of course, do come in, you look positively harassed. Sit down do, I'll put the kettle on for a cup of tea.'

'Thank you, I would love one, I told Mrs. Blount not to come back until all this fuss has passed. I'm being besieged in my own home. The police can't do anything unless they cause an obstruction and you may be sure those scoundrels know all the tricks.'

'Yes, we've noticed. Monica is quite enjoying all the activity. You have certainly made the Avenue sit up and take notice.'

The Colonel slumped in his chair. He'd had a very sleepless night turning everything over in his mind and had come to no conclusions.

'Come now, this won't do,' said Daphne. 'You can't allow a few reporters to get you down. Look on it as a military campaign. Keep your original goals in mind. We Teesdales are willing to help.'

'I can swim you know, and when we come on your boat, I'll be a great help, won't I Daphne?'

'Thank you, Monica.'

He suddenly sat up and looked more like his usual brisk self.

'I came to ask for your help and here you are offering. Did you notice the sacks of mail that arrived? Here is a sample of what they contain.' He pulled out dozens of envelopes from his jacket pockets and put them on the table. 'I have opened a few and some of them are very odd, some call on the Lord, some call me an old idiot, to put it politely, and many of them have cheques inside. I wondered if you might be willing to help me to sort things out. I realise this is a terrible imposition but I can't think of anyone else.'

Miss Teesdale's mind went into overdrive. She was used to dealing with emergencies. Here was something to get her teeth into and in a good cause.

'Of course we will help. I'm quite good at organising paper work. Monica can open the envelopes and we'll sort them into piles, weeding out the abusive rubbish, seeing which need an answer etc. How will we get them over here?'

'I'll have to sneak over a bag at a time even though it goes against the grain to hide away in my own home. I really appreciate this ladies.'

'Drink your tea, Colonel, then we'll get started. No time like the present.'

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